Some Amazing Hits: Wonders/Blunders of 2008

I am more than happy to usher the year('08) to the door. Hand in hand, like a girl that decided she did not want to give it up and I have to hold on to my manners until I see her to the door, assuring her I would call her, knowing I only have so much time before my next jump('09) comes by. And I KNOW this bitch is going to put out.

With all that being said. I would like to reminisce on the times and songs that we were forced to or, unfortunately loved, this past year.

W Hurricane Chris, anyone?
I know Ay Bay Bay came out last year, but I am saying, "Playa's Rock". Banger.
i.e. Chilling in the jacuzzi/ just water/ no bubbles? C'mon.

BThe Game featuring Ne-Yo with Camera Phone
A definite, get the fuck out of here. Two undercovers using the club and desperate women as beards. Bitch, please.

B Where did DJ Khaled come from? More importantly, from whom did he get his (commercial, I am screaming over everything talking about money I could not possibly have since I am on Terror Squad)pass? I just wanted to know.

W For those of you that know me, you already knew I predicted T-Pain was going to be IT, whether you still want to put an sh in front of it is up to you, but... I told you so. Even though that 2 Pistols, Plies wanna be, Shawty knock off was a bad look.

B I am one for ignorance, and I have respect for Bustah Rhymes, however this is a time when two plus two does not necessarily add up to a rational number. A(y)rab Money? Nah, son. The concept was of interest and varying from the concrete canon of hip hop metaphors but they do not deserve to be called out of their names. Arabs, stereotypically, coming from where I am from, provide our dutches, loosies, forties, their candy is not as expensive as it is once you leave the hood, bacon, egg and cheese on a rolls, quarter water and turkey sandwiches for trip days, etc. We should not show Ak our gratitude by pronouncing his ethnicity wrong. Its not right.

Speaking of which, E-ether Boy, bka, Ron Brownz, whose named confused the shit out of me when i first heard it, in the words of NORE, who has a track produced by Brownz, is garbation. T-Pain is not a genius but, he is a bit more intricate and if he is going to turn the ultimate fail (auto tune manufactured voice) into a trademark, why jump on the band wagon and give him the authority to talk sideways about you. He should have faded to black but, everyone wants a piece of the man no one wants to be or sleep with.

And to close off the year this nigga dropped Blame it on the Alcohol for Jaime Foxx, there will be many a paternity test because of this song. So look out in the third and fourth quarter of next year for these results.

Feelin' on her butt, what?







ps. With the struggling economy and fucked up record industry, how does Keri Hilson have a million videos out, not to mention the worst video of the past two years with "Return the Favor"

AND Shantelligence... *blank stare

Bah Hambug...

I am sitting here at work, tortured by my big boss. I will say that not because we had to work for Christmas eve, so we can get Friday off, but, because we can t even be playful and jovial when he is around. Personally, I do not even get any personal space so it is very hard to scour the internet for things to distract me.

Either way I totally misbudgeted my pay checks and now I am broke, not as broke as all those people that were with Bernard Madoff, but damnit if I do not feel like crying just the same.

Its supposed to be about Jesus so, I give to the panhandlers.

All I can see when I look around, is money; money I spent, will spend, will not have. And, all of the money I will resolve to save next year, lest I not forget the future.

So, to all my broke ho ho's I have a couple of things to which you may relate. Especially, if you got no bonus/raise this year.






For those of us that know what Christmas is all about...



Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night.

MERRY FUCKING CHRISTMAS!!!

SOME OF MY FAVORITE LIVE PERFORMANCES FROM MY FAVORITE ARTISTS SINGING CHRISTMAS SONGS!! ENJOY!!

FAITH EVANS " THE CHRISTMAS SONG"


TAMIA " THE CHRISTMAS SONG"



BEYONCE " SILENT NIGHT"



LUTHER VANDROSS & CHAKA KHAN " HAVE YOURSELF A MERRY LITTLE CHRISTMAS"


JESSICA SIMPSON & BRIAN MCKNIGHT " OH HOLY NIGHT"

My Penis is in a recession too!!! .....

Happy Holidays to all!! Tis the season to be jolly and although I am in somewhat of a holiday spirit, I can't help but to feel "some kinda way" about this damn recession. Yes we know the economy is all types of fucked up right now but this recession is a little more personal than money ( AND THAT's HELLA PERSONAL) so please take this in high reguards what i am about to say. MY DICK IS IN A RECESSION TOO!!! I took it upon myself to ask around as a personal adventure to find out how much of a "SEXCESSION" we are in and it seems many of my peers ARE NOT HAVING SEX ( well anything worth talking or bragging about) LOL. Since when was celebacy the fad of 2008 or are we just too damn picky about who we are fucking? Not that i'm saying it's anything wrong with being picky because I know many " AMANDA's" who will throw the legs back for every Tom, Dick, and sometimes Mary. Also, why do many people believe that just because a woman or man is Attractive that they " HAVE" to have sex all the time or " Have" to be in a relationship. Tis a sad time when " Beautiful" people are doing worst than the " Ugly" people. LOL. I guess that was kind of mean to say but LETS NOT PRETEND THAT YOU'RE NOT THINKING THE SAME THING. You know you have a less attractive friend who has a steady relationship and you're wondering " Damn i'm way better looking than him/her and how did they end up with such a great fuckin relationship?" My mother always said there is someone for everyone and I guess she's right because even Flava Flav (Money and all, I PERSONALLY COULDN'T BE PAID TO WATCH HIM HAVE SEX) he has somewhat productive relationships with weird/beautiful women. Wait......Something just hit me lol

Maybe I am a picky person. I mean who wouldn't want to be picky about who they're sexing? ...well besides all the " Amanda's" i know.

I guess when you know you're worth it's harder to date because you have the list of things you want to find within a person you're dating, but then you realize that on the other side of that paper there is a list of all the bullshit you're just not willing to put up with LOL.

DECISIONS....DECISIONS....DECISIONS

FUCK IT....I'LL MAKE THE BEST OF THIS DRY SPELL ...it could always be worst right!!

What do you think????????

Holler Royale

Thanks to my homey from ismelllikemoney.com


I am being mentioned at 2:45.

">Charles Hamilton : Brooklyn Girls

Pants? Yes!

So here is this amazingly talented person I met on my preliminary journeys into the rest of my life.

His name is Sasa Kovacevic, he is based in Berlin, Germany.

here is his blurb about his line : Sadak

sadak
The whole concept is based on tradition, ethnography, anthropology, history, and clothing. I incorporated a variety of ideational elements from proceeding periods, together with the clothing features of the period when they were made and worn, often using the mystical and poetic stories.
Sadak is the ancient name for a traditional sleeveless jacket worn in some regions of the Balkans. The preserved magical meaning of sadak in its original oral and visual context is transformed and adapted to contemporary reality, becoming independent through the development or construction of forms, figures, motifs, magical objects, statements, temporal codes of society, space, objects and functions of protagonists.
Sadak is this name for a label which deals with clothing, which is distinguishable not only by whom they are made but also by their artistic and aesthetic value. The collections, which embrace a system of signs, symbols and beliefs from their original homeland also comprise elements of tribal and local beliefs, influences of different religions, traces of clothing taken and transformed into a new interpretation which have remained in narrative, visual harmony, artistic character and aesthetic value.

source: http://www.iqons.com/Sasa+Kovacevic

check the site

http://www.sadak.de/lapot20082009.html

I am saying, though

This may be a very selfish statement on my part; I will stand behind it because I said it.

I understand that the Holiday season is about giving- if it isn t about God. In the words of my brilliant sister: I like Christmas, because I like receiving gifts... oh, and Jesus.

I say all of this to say... Truth be told,if you only do your giving on the holidays because you feel you are supposed to and it is the only way you can enjoy your crunk festivities without having that Salvation Army Santa ring ting tingaling in the back of your mind then, this may not be for you, since your giving is based on some sort of social obligation and guilt.

All I am saying is, I am not doing Secret Santa or anything where I am buying gifts for people that I did not; live with, take a bath with, share a bed with, eat from, or live under the same roof, in my parent's name. Really, I was not going to get you a gift this year anyway. And for all of those that do fit into the former, they already understand that my love is the greatest gift of all. I mean hello Jeezy's third album, anyone?


Call me a grinch if you want. Even he didn t buy the shit, he just gave BACK what he took, and they were greatly appreciative and everyone broke even. They were even happy without their shit. SO... if I saved myself the trouble of stealing your Christmas, I figure, hey, let's just not and say we did.

Think about it.

Check my Homey out...

The Real Beauty of the Internet...

I have found some very important Disney video clips, that I used to have of VHS, that I loved and cherished as comfort items. One of these tapes had a composite of "Lambert the Sheepish Lion" made in 1952 about a lion that was supposed to be dropped of into the jungles of South Africa, but dropped in a sheep herd. He grows up to save the herd from a wolf (who is extremely black and threatening to this herd of white sheep {I am not slipping I can see racism}). But, either way I was still inspired as a youth, about love and family, and revisiting that memory.


The next clip is from what I believe was the same VHS if my memory serves me correct. This goes through the history of music. It is also controversial in that it begins with the four main instruments and expands from there, Toot Whistle Pluck and Boom. The initial figures are dark and archaic and the more advanced the instrument the whiter the player. I have acknowledged this now, but it was my favourite and seeing it makes me happy, overall. I find it interesting how to see that although very dated images are used the cartoon does in fact acknowledge, to an extent, the origin of musical instruments on a global level. Besides the actual music is amazing.

These are the moments that make the internet worth it.

Please enjoy (I also needed to have a place that I could refer to immediately in case I had nostalgia. That, is the privilege of access).

How Could You Be

Here is the animated video for Kanye's Heartless.

I like the song although it is one about being the victim of circumstances. I am looking forward to Kanye's album because he is approaching the topic of love and heartbreak in a manner that is not immasculating nor misogynistic and yet very personal. I appreciate his efforts and pioneering abilities; I believe, they are some of the true gifts of arrogance and self awareness in a self-proclaimed genius.

Looking forward. 

...So Proud To Be Just Who I Am

I am sure there are better ways to describe the way I feel. Not only am I proud to be a black American. I am also happy that people of color, generally speaking, have decided to idenitfy in a manner that grassroot efforts and dialogue may not have done as effectively and concretely. Black people in America have to understand and hone in on our power. Not just political, but in our legacies and strength as a people and as individuals. It is not just Obama, it is you, it is myself, it is the knowledge that we have agency and must muster up the stamina to be with it for the long haul. This is the beginning, with so much work to be done. I look forward to working with you.

Here are some songs I will need to hear for the next couple of days.

Flashback Some Part of My Latter College Years

enjoy.

Can it be that it was all so simple then...

Sufferation

I know the unimportance of suffering, I know pain is to be fought and thrown aside, not to be accepted as a part of one's soul and as a permanent scar across one's view of existence. 

John Galt; Atlas Shrugged

Martydom is wack juice, anyway you look at it. Previously, I likened a gerundial plight and my position in it as such where I had nothing left but scars over my memories. Victimizing myself and invoking a sentiment where I would be forever haunted by these specific happenings and that would be my badge of valor. My suffering, my pain, at the hands of someone else. However, in my view of life, I have already internalized that pain is a part of it but is worth nothing in exchange for accomplishments and success. Unless, guilt and pity is one's goal. 

In any situation, I have realized sacrificing my capacity and mind's occupation for someone does not benefit me and prevents me from moving forward. This is not to say that I have recently purchased rose-tinted spectacles but, my life's purpose and happiness is not to be facilitated by that which I can not profit from. I do not mean profit, as in I have learned a valuable lesson. It means, as a trader, as a person that respects and delivers honest achievement, I receive no 'ends' in my suffering. It leaves me with a feeling and no product. 

Unacceptable. 

I heart Hip Hop

Brooklynite Gallery

If you are ever in the Bedford-Stuyvesant section of Brooklyn, USA, and find yourself on Malcolm X boulevard, I strongly urge you to visit this gallery. The space is fresh in the sense that it is bright and white like a sterile facility but it has the ambience of Poet's House. (if you don't know what Poet's House is, you lose. google it).

The space in the front is small with two full walls upon which pieces can be mounted with the back wall sharing the space with an entry into the back. It has a backyard! Along the perimeters of the space, Various', originally from Berlin, works line the sides, with their post-modern identity oriented works.

Gould's, the other feature artist, works of collaged pin-up esque girls could be found in the front space and along the back permeter of the outdoor space. His works evoke an ethereal longing for love and beauty of the "Once upon a Time". I urge you to go. It will be exhibited through November 15. The exhibition is called 'Time Machine". It is family owned. Check it out.

Brooklynite is open Thursday - Saturday 1-7pm. www.brooklynitegallery.com

Love for Sale... more to come

Upon re-reading a book with whose philosophies I idealize and to with which I relate, I have found myself redefining and evaluating my views and experiences of and with love.

In the sense that I want to / have to be loved for something. Not just because. And to get my due justice I must have a clear sense of who I am and what I want and how I am going to achieve it. I am to be loved for my courage, my ambitions, and my accomplishments. That is what will define me throughout my life and thereafter.

With that in mind, relationships should be simpler. If we are attracted to each other as a result of recognizing the rational and productive spirit in ourselves and each other, the gray areas that exist would be either black or white. There would be no need to use shrouds of elusion, need and responsibility to the other party as the main adhesive to any interpersonal relationships. It is a barter system, there should be no debt of the mind or spirit. If you can not figure out why you love something, or someone, it is time to identify and define how the word/emotion/sentiment translate in your existence.

word.

In The Spirit of Life

I extend my pursuit of happiness into the Universe as to emit the positivity necessary to survive in this polarizing; depressingly inspiring, tragically wonderful, and bizarrely necessary existence.

Along my journey I have recently met an old acquaintance that gave me the assurance that I am traveling properly and appropriately as long as I do not forget what I have to do to be me and not what I have to do for other people.

Libations for the energies passing and moving through us.

A Test Run

This is a sample of  a YouTube channel on which my featured friend and myself will be working.  I have two small projects in the works, having to do with video logging. Hopefully this can be something that can be enjoyed. It veers into ingnorant territory but the point is still salient. 

Holler two times...

and the end result of a small task...

Please Read This

http://alysonmance.wordpress.com/2008/10/03/dear-sarah-palin/

The Ephemeral Yet Eternal

"I'm still what I was, and you'll always see it, and you'll always grant

me the same response, even if there's a greater one that you grant to

another man. No matter what you feel for him, it will not change what you

feel for me, and it won't be treason to either, because it comes from the

same root, it's the same payment in answer to the same values. No

matter what happens in the future, we'll always be what were were to each

other, you and I, because you'll always love me."

- Francisco D'Aconia in Atlas Shrugged

Although this is the second time I am reading this epic novel in its entirety, this quote made more of an impact as I am not just looking to finish, but internalize the philosophies of the book. 

Without the anchor to ground and solidify the wraith-like thoughts  necessary to move forward, it becomes difficult to identify one's emotional reality in the effort to grow and finally move-on. The what-if's will always occur but, as acute transitions, and not wistful aspects of a declining reality. It is ok to always love someone, and have the notion reciprocated without accusations of arrested development. It is to know that it is in fact true and that I am not delusional of a shared past and future although they may not mirror each other ever. Rather, reflect the causes and effects with the love and appreciation unchanged. Sometimes, to have that is enough to love someone else to the best of my abilities if my past can be validated as verity.

Now, I am free and assured that it is not an anchor to my being rather a nod to my emotional testimony.

TWO GIRLS , ONE CUP.......WHY LAWD.....WHY???

FIRST!!! WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU MAKE A VIDEO LIKE THIS? THIS IS JUST FUCKING RIDICULOUS LIKE REALLY??? FOR THOSE OF YOU IN THE WORLD WHO HAVEN'T SEEN THIS VIDEO....YOU WON'T SEE IT HERE LOL BUT I WILL LEAVE YOU WITH A VIDEO RESPONSE FROM NO OTHER THAN B. SCOTT. FOR THOSE WHO DON'T KNOW WHO B.SCOTT IS CHECK OUT HIS BLOGS ON YOUTUBE. EDUTAINMENT AT IT'S BEST. ENJOY!!!

My shades too dark to see you losers...

No One on the Corner Got Swagger Like Puff-
This is the best flow I have EVER EVER heard from him, having had a myriad of the top ghost writers writing for him. I think he wrote this shit himself.



He said he would give your bitch some children...AND, he knew just when you would think you were done with the song and he spit something ignorant for that ass. I look up to Puff and aspire to own a wing of a private jet soon.

Word Life.

Peace and Health

to the homey Nathaniel Dwayne Hale, better known as the one and only Nate Dogg. His smooth as Billy Dee Williams voice complimented many songs since his introduction, to me at least, in Regulate, by Warren G.
Nate Dogg has suffered his second stroke in the past nine months, the first occurred during the holiday season late last year, '07. It has been reported that there has been no brain damage but his breathing is assisted. It is too early to see how his limbs have been effected by the stroke. He is also due in court on the 24th for felony charges for making death threats to his estranged wife. Damn.

Get better Nate! *pouring some of my forty out.

Warren G: Regulate



XZibit: Bitch Please



Houston: I Like That



WC: The Streets



Snoop Dogg: Boss's Life



E-40: Nah Nah



Whose ideal life is not to be pistol-whipped by a smooth crooner. DPG till the day I D.I.E.

I Keep My Love Locked Down...

http://www.zshare.net/audio/1854892003616bb0/

I love this song...
It is an ode to the sordid person one becomes once they are transformed by their love's black magic. The concentration of emotion and energy in a mind with too much pressure on itself. It forces one to act in a way that is the extreme opposite of the purity of their love. Dedicated, trying to save both parties and live through and with this love, I found this song inside of my heart.

Thank you, Kanye

When Geniuses Unite

Click here to bear witness to Cam'ron's new song... Bottom of the Pussy Hole.
The woman whose voice is sampled on the track is that of Alexyss K. Tylor. Without going into a huge diatribe I suggest you watch the video from which the soundbyte was taken for references purposes.



Camron's 'Bottom of the Pussy Hole'

http://www.zshare.net/audio/185357538a7c524d/

Nirvana?

I just would like to know what is Hip Hop's obsession with overused metaphors...namely... have you guessed? Kurt Cobain. If I hear another reference to some suicide doors looking so Kurt Cobain (see: Fab's verse on Addicted by Ryan Leslie featuring Cassie; or, being taken away like a bullet from Kurt Cobain (see: Game's first verse on My Life, featuring Lil Wayne, two of the most tragic individuals in their quest for respect and credibility), actually I do not know what I would do but, some part of me will die.

I am trying to figure out if there is a limited list of images or phrases that are allowed to be used at one given time in Hip-Hop? No, I guess Hip-Hop is not dead but, I would posit that the commercial aspect is 98% post-consumer material. That is why Li'l Weezy could ONLY be embalmment fluid.

I digress,

There are a couple of other references to the late grunge great but I can not think of them off the top of my head. I will add to this post as they come back to me. Are we trying to claim Kurt? Do they and their target audience even know the music Nirvana put forth during their career. Then again do rappers ever know what the fuck they are talking about? Modern day story tellers that they are. Should they not seek psychiatric evaluation for delusions of grandeur? Anyway, is Kurt Cobain Hip-Hop, should he constantly be mentioned in mundane rap lyrics like our own late greats? I just want to know where it came from and now need to do research to know how long this ridiculousness has been going on.

With that I will leave you with some of my Nirvana faves...


Teen Spirit



p.s. I remember when this video came out. Unlike a lot of people I know, I had cable in 1992, so I know a bit of pop culture... holler at your girl.

Lithium



Gets me through some shit

Come As You Are



Heart-Shaped Box



In Bloom



Thank you for accompanying me down memory lane.

Genuinely,
RuthLess

Thug Motivation 101: Bitch, I Make Hits, Y'all Niggas Waste Time...

And I'll be goddamned if y'all niggas waste mine

So, I have decided that Young Jeezy needs to be my life coach. I mean think of his songs and cameos. He is the truth. When I hear some Jeezy, I just want to go out an make something of myself. That something is not a fool. But for real, for serious though, I am going to leave you with some Jeezy bangers, and you tell me you do not want to go out and be the capitalist America taught you to be.



And let me just say that song number 3, Air Forces, I heard for the first time when I was in Miami with a dear friend. We were supposed to be going to the liquor store, on Collins. Needless to say, we ended up in Little Haiti with some niggas that smoke dirt as weed. They had Hennessey as well. We brought them back to our hotel room to chill for just a bit. We learned new slang. It was fun, the song changed my life. We heard in the car as the driver was drinking and telling us about his stint in New York. I have not thought about the whole scenario in a while. Believe me when I tell you, it was ridiculous. But safe.

Enjoy.

All I can say is: SON, this shit is (insert 90's phrase for excellence)..

Just when you thought Biggie would be rolling over in his grave if someone tries one more fucking time to ressurrect his flawless, yet limited catalogue. I am moving to the UK, they know what the fuck is up. And with that I introduce Dan Black.




I told you.

www.myspace.com/danblacksound

On another note

Kehinde Wiley's first solo exhibition at the Studio Museum in Harlem, The World Stage: Africa, Lagos ~ Dakar, is on through October 29, 2008. Known for using young black men as subjects juxtaposing them with traditional eighteenth and nineteenth century European figure paintings, he, symbolically, grants the black man his proper place in history. This exhibition is a part of a greater series where Wiley relocates to different countries making himself accustomed to their art, history, and politics, as they are not inextricable of each other. This resonates in his works.
To see is to believe. The Studio Museum is free on Sundays, thanks to Target but, at any point if you find yourself on 125th street between Lenox and Adam Clayton Powell, go inside... it is worth it.

...z

Inside and outside
Within and without
Terribly surprised
I move forward

Because I Love This Game

In the spirit of the fleeting summer, childhood, lawn games, and extreme matters of the heart (yes, I will acknowledge the pun), I offer this piece of entertainment.

Here's to the extreme and bizarre circumstances that is our existence.

Use the bathroom first...

You might wet yourself.



I am glad someone understands why Lil Wayne is not the greatest. He lacks versatility in his metaphors and platinum in a week a great MC does not make. Plus he is always talking about shit which means he probably has a messy sex life and if not, see the former.

More on this later

Viva Italia:

So as anyone who has the time to read this blog knows, Vogue Italia has broken records with their groundbreaking all black issue. I am not going to lie, the adverts still have white models causing an initial disappointment, but hey, we knew this already or else they would not have to make a concerted effort to break down and hold a mirror to racial discrepencies in the fashion world.

The actual spreads are well executed and Toccara has won my heart as she serves in fur and lingerie. (Wait til I get some money and a man... it's a wrap for him)! The only thing is that... I can not read Italian! There are too many letters! Constanants, vowels, just too much for me to take and project my limited knowledge of french and spanish on to, which sucks because great magazines delve on the intellectual moreso than say, VIBE or XXL, and DonDiva (my guilty pleasures). If anything I am glad that people can understand why I spend $10- $30 on a given magazine, the quality of the paper, the beauty of the shoots, the excellence of the model and of course the fucking clothes. I want to cry everytime I see a Cesare Pacciotti advert. 'Scuzzi for the tangent. *Ahem* But yea holler at the expensive habits, I have a few, the only cheap one is masturbation and that is not even a habit, it's boring.

If you have not already, go out and get it, it is like buying an Obama shirt, or bringing a cloth bag to the supermarket, it makes you feel like you have done something. We are not children anymore, but deep down inside, we need a bit of affirmation.

Say what you want, Naomi is the queen. If I looked this good after 20 years, I would throw tantrums and blackberrys at every fucking body. It's hard out here for a pimp.

Trying to learn a Couple of Things About Myself Through Some Online Quizzes

so...
I was bored (read: procrastinating) on my Saturday job when I decided I was going to let a couple of personality quizzes tell me about my sexuality. For the record, at this time in my life I am old enough to know about my strengths and flaws, weaknesses and how I would like to spend the rest of my life. Things happen and I must adapt but that does not mean I do not have a concrete understanding on my life's trajectory. I say all of that to say it is my level of denial that will determine how I execute my life and not how I know I would like it to be.

Fine.

So, without giving up too much information about myself, I will say that the first quizzes I took were simple and probably made up by people with no background in sexuality research. What prompted me to begin this quest is beyond me. It is funny how many strokes of geniuses I have when I am actually supposed to be focusing on what is already on the table in front of me. I began to google 'sexuality quizzes'; I came out as a Straight Female (that's funny, hilarious, actually). I am like 'holler', that was easy. I took three different ones, with the same result and as a creature of intelligence it is not hard to answer simple questions to garner my desired result. They would say things like you are straight but if you were not you would still be normal. I am thinking to myself, wow, do people with real questions about their sexuality consult internet quizzes to ask those challenging questions? No, that should not be, ever.

In an attempt to delve deeper into this faux discovery I begin to google 'lesbian quizzes'. One said I was straight, the other said I was a lesbian. These quizzes are very narrow-minded and really do not provide the median area within which a lot of the population exist. By this time I know this is horse shit because I am just manipulating my answers because the minute scope of such quizzes are too small to even attempt to successfully identify the fluidity of a person's sexuality without the stigma of deviance and promiscuity often paired with it on both extremes.

I stumble across an effective survey that encompasses one's perception of their sexuality in the future as well as assessing their past and future (It is from the UK, go figure). Finally, something that will give me the answer I already know. A supplementary True/False survey was a bit more extensive but asked very time-specific questions about sexuality allowing the taker to actually analyze their real emotions as opposed to thinking about how the answer may directly effect the outcome after they press the submit button. AND at no point do you have to enter your gender as a means for analysis.

Was that vague enough? Here are my results:

The Multidimensional Scale of Sexuality

According to my answers, it is likely that I identify as
Sequential bisexual.

Complete set of results

Sequential bisexual:		4
Concurrent bisexual:		2
Heterosexual with some homosexuality:		2
Homosexual:		1
Asexual:		0
Heterosexual:		0
Homosexual with some heterosexuality:		0
Past heterosexual, currently homosexual:		0
Past homosexual, currently heterosexual:		0

Information

The Multidimensional Scale of Sexuality was devised by Larry Kurdek, B. Berkey and T. Perelman-Hall. It is an extension of the Klein Sexual Orientation Grid, recognising that sexual identities can change over time, people can identify with more than one sexual identity, and that asexuality is a valid sexual identity. The Multidimensional Scale of Sexuality was published in the "Journal of Homosexuality" in 1990.

Take the quiz

Basically it says I go between the two, not at the same time, but periodically, kind of like my mood swings. If you know me, are you surprised?
ha.

Dis.appoint.ment

For one, I bought this awesome eyeliner yesterday and I lost it. How do I feel? Pissed. Tighter than a virgin.

Back to the situation at hand... people stay consistent and it is up to us, as individuals, to allow these people to continue to perpetuate their ridiculousness in our lives. This applies to everybody, present parties included. However there are different degrees. I am all for being selfish when it comes to personal happiness within the boundaries of reason and rationale. In any other case there are certain social responsibilities when love is a factor. Not romantic love, but friendships and preceding circumstances which help to form the present. At times, we are blinded because we just want to love our friends/ lovers unconditionally and we know how great they are, it outshines their flaws and nascent tendencies. It is way beyond our control, but we then place ourselves in positions to be disappointed because for once, we would have rathered the outcome to be different from all the previous ones. But people do not change because we change, and people do not always change everything about them. It is a process and our personal projections do not manifest into reality just because we see it as the most logical. Not to mention, people do not always tell the whole story and if that is something we know, then why be surprised? It is what it is.

It is up to me to decide before this whole ordeal is over, whatever it is, what my response is going to be ranging from the best case to the worst case scenario. If my love outweighs my disappointment, then I am going to have to eat that (no homo). If it does not, then I have some pounds to shed, and that is just what it is. Just because you are good friend to someone does not mean there is reciprocity or that you are a good friend to someone else.

That is a different topic I will broach later on.

In Progress

My moods are changing. I can feel a stir of energy beginning in the root of my spirit. I have been moving slow towards my maturation as a way to stave off the imminent future , clutching onto my fleeting youth. I pay taxes, I have bills, I have to fix my floors. It will not be any fun if I continue to run away from it. I have to treat it like a body of water and just jump in. Of course, I have to doggy paddle, first. It is work but what isn't and what doesn't hurt?

Whatever it is, it couldn't possibly be worth my time.

A Day in the Life of the Omega Trifecta....

So, my friends came up to visit me at Princeton this Monday. I work up here for a greater portion of the summer so I have been insisting that people come visit and chill as I relive my days of undergrad. (WesTech, holler if you hear me.)Plus, I had exhausted some non-renewables and I need to go green, if you know what I mean.

Either way they arrive around 10:00 pm. Everything is going pretty smoothly, I ride with them to parking lot and we walk back to the dorm. Its like a ten minute walk and they are dying, but it's walks like these that have contributed to my summer body... I am in the house, oooowwww.

Back to the situation at hand. We have wheel of fortune but I do not have a television, it is an interactive game. My friend and I attempt to start it on several occassions, after I swipe and television from my office, it's not working. Fine. She goes to the bathroom and my other friend pulls out a bottle of juice she had in her bag. We are thinking the drink is already mixed and he drinks the majority of it. When she returns, we find out it was the mixer, now we have nothing to drink the gin with, which is ok (Hendrick's is smooth). It isn t that necessary and we had beers, and it is late, so we are just going to chill and populate the ozone. We do. I almost choked like three times.

Enter Centipede one, closely followed/ chased by Centipede two. At first my female friend and I scream, I do not have my glasses on so I am just responding to the objects quickly moving across the ledge (this is my excuse for acting like a bitch). My friend and I are trying to find a sneaker and hand our friend his sneaker so he can fulfill his gender role and kill it. It took him like FIVE minutes of strategizing to finally make a move. He misses, strikes twice more and Centipede one is dead. Centipede two, after having been startled by the presence of humans, ventures back out. My female friend and I are mandating our friend kill it. We had just resumed our places and were discussing if centipedes can sense if one has died; to be rudely interrupted by the reemergence. Centipede two, then lifts up the carcass of the deceased and carries it for a way and stops. We are like this is some crazy animal kingdom politics, now we are intrigued, asking ourselves and each other what was going on.

It was eating it!

We were like, oh no!

So my, female friend is up close and investigating. She is a teacher so it made sense. She was taking pictures with her digital camera trying to make out the imagery. Urging us to come closer, our other friend and myself were like, nah, Centipede two is spitting out the legs of Centipede one. We were good right where we were. We are saying just kill it; he is not moving; he is eating; this is the perfect time. Our friend is frozen, honestly he is afraid of centipedes. You can not be serious. Finally after TEN minutes he kills the newly fed centipede and we resume our derelict activities, including inhalation, to calm down.

We get hungry and motivate towards the store. My friend puts cuticle cream on her lips, wondering why it was not like the Burt's Bee's she owned. I had to break the news to her forcing us to run to the bathroom as to not have an accident. We get outside and my friend thought the sidewalk was extremely high, and inquired how we were going to get down, she was wearing sunglasses, it was 11:30pm. We get to the store. I promptly buy a sausage and as soon as I get my receipt I begin to eat it, because I obvioulsy have tons of class. We end up with $25 worth of snacks (I wonder how we worked up such an appetite).

We get back and decide to play UNO. During the game a warm breeze flows through the room, feeling slightly paranormal. I reason that the air conditioner was on energy save and must have started up again causing the warm gust of air. We need no surprises. We retire from UNO and play Wheel of Fortune that our male friend got to work after I had attempted multiple times. We play a couple of rounds and I got my ass kicked so I retired to bed.

It was great.

All the while the rest of my job is outside performing a community building activity, bonding, crying and sharing.

T-Pain...with my broke!

So for those of you who do not know, there is a song by the illustrious T-Pain entitled "Silver and Gold". In this song you will find him talking about getting crunk in the dancery off a drink consisting of the popular Silver Patron and the slightly more expensive Gold Patron.

Let me tell you a little something about this drink: It could have been the Strawberry I was putting in the air or it could have been the 62 oz of Budweiser I drank before meeting up with friends, or the Law of Averages where it was bound to happen when I spend every moment in New York City with the same people...

I got into an argument with not one but two of my friends...
in the same car...
within ten minutes of ending one. And the second fight was with the mediator!

It wasn t ugly but it damn sure wasn t pretty. That was last night. We have plans tonight it should be splendid. Did I mention I had class today? From 10-5?

Drunk friends dont let drunk friends argue alone (that's a no-no), and go to bed angry, unless it is serious. I have learned that lesson. You should too!

Love your life!

Shouts to Secure Men

From the crooners of the golden Motown era, Marvin Gaye, The Temptations, The Spinners, with their groomed personas, conked hair, and high water pants; to the sex symbols of the late 60's and 70's, like Al Green who was wearing hot pants and platforms; to the late '80's with tight acid wash jeans, gold teeth, ornate jewelery, leather suits, and cocky personalities; to the late '90's with men in constant need of getting their hair trimmed, greased and braided. Someone please tell me where this disdain for well-groomed men came from. Why are they gay or metrosexual because they choose not to hide behind the facade of masculinity. Wealthy men can change outfits during the day to befit the different times and settings, wear pink polos, striped shirts, loafers, smell good and look amazing, why can't black men in the hip-hop realm? What is the fear of a man that can dress... why does it matter? If he is gay you will know because of the way he acts, unless you are deaf, dumb and blind or in denial, not because he grooms his body and smells great.

Plus, most of the people that are talking shit, are people that have glitter and bedazzled jewels on their shirts, and huge earrings looking like homo thugs...

Stop it. I like my man to have been appropriated by a bit of artistocracy, shit that's where the money is... HOLLER!

J HUDSON!!

Finally!!! The premiere of J. Hudson's Debut Single " Spotlight" is here. Let's support the former Dreamgirl and Oscar winner and help make this a successful project. R&B/SOUL is making a comeback. Whose Next??

Sad in the Pants II (Sutures)

I wish there was a way to be normal in a situation where only extremities are experienced. 'Easier said than done' is not even the half. My mental preparation undoes itself like an intricate knot, pulled at the sight of you. Leaving me with the anticipation of an interaction on the precipice of the event horizon hurling towards singularity. My intentions can not escape and all I can do is maintain my position in spaces relative to this variable unknown, to be described loosely as my love for this sordid force of nature beyond my comprehension. Within the parameters of rationale, so much time has passed, so many relationships have come and gone, there is no reason for the tension to be so caloric as to leave me full for days, exercising my mind to break even. It does not make sense. The force is so strong I can not tell if it is I who rejects the advances of a possible small chat or if I lose my courage to do so from the force with which I tangle.

It takes a long time to get over being pulverized emotionally in a public display of feigned privacy. To never think but to then accept as the truest reality that the same love that made me laugh made me cry- as my castigation (shout to Bill Withers).
I am chilling now, but I still can not seem to figure out how to stabilize a situation I am unfamiliar with and will I be ready to move forward without getting caught in the black hole of my unchartered emotions. It has been so long, I wonder if it has been too long and whether it is my job to go out on a limb, with no direction and nothing but a nasty scar across memories of my life. But what could have been the small hint of something with potential lost inside a cloud of dust and storms? Where is the source of the feeling of unfinished business keloiding over battle wounds? How am I to know they are reciprocal and I am not at the point of singularity, stuck at nothing. There is no way of telling but I am not sure if I want to find out. This love hurts enough already, every time it is revisited, even as a minute prospect in my mind.

Tell me how my ass tastes!

I hope this sends you through the rest of your week

I Might Take Out a Loan for This...

This is a chair called 'Perspective', designed by Pharrell Williams in conjuction with Domeau and Peres for an exhibition at the Emmanuel Perrotin Galerie. The chair will be on display, along with another chair design and a table, October 21, 2008 through Jaunuary 10, 2009, in Paris. The 'Perspective' chair will be reproduced in three other colors in a limited amount to be sold.

Pharrell's take on his design, is a way to 'sit in the seat of' rather than 'in the shoes of' people that are really in love, as he states he has never been. The front legs of the chair resemble a woman's from the knees down, standing on the balls of her feet. The back legs are of a man standing firmly behind her. The chair represents compromise married with constructed gender roles, positively, in my opinion. The female represented in the forefront displays the security the man has in the woman to be the face of the relationship and his role to stand behind her and support her. In addition to this, in light of obvious reasons to differentiate gender, the standing on the balls of her feet define a difference in height, or stature and her rising to meet her lover's perspective. To sit in the chair is to recognize that some of us were born to this loving relationship, and that it is something most of us aspire to or desire.



If I could I would. Trust me.

Happy hot as Fuck Monday

I got this from allhiphop.com

Do enjoy this delightful treat and ode to the power of the PUSSY

A reason, Or a season, but not neccessarily a Lifetime!!

One of the hardest things i've come to learn, and might i say still am adjusting to it's knowledge, is being responsible for myself. Now when I say being responsible for self, I mean being conscious about the cause and effect of things and how it will affect me. The choices we make dictating the opinions we are willing to take from society, friends, family, self, etc. One example of this is relationships. Friendships that go sour and lovers that become a muse for songs of " I hate you so much right now" lol. A close friend of mine wrote a blog called " spring cleaning" in which she deciphers the concept of GOD re-arranging your circumference by removing unhealthy people and things to make room for clarity and peace of mind. This is a prime example of being responsible for self. The wisdom and courage to understand when things that you love can become things that you need to love from a distance. People who we meet and fall in love with but they aren't willing to commit to reciprocity, these are situations where you have to muster all of the strength from you and GOD and commit to loving yourself more. You are always given a choice, victim or victorious, and clearly I wanna be victorious. However, nobody gains victory without sacrifice, pain, sorrow, and some bitterness. I feel once you gain consciousness and overstanding of your situation or conflict you are then responsible for making a choice. We've all seen the movie " what's love got to do with it" and we wonder why the hell Tina just didn't get the hell up and leave. She didn't have the will and courage to be responsible enough and decide that she wasn't going to entertain Ike's bullshit anymore. Anyways, to make this blog shorter than a novel I ask of you readers to do some of your own " spring cleaning" . Re-evaluate your circumference and your life and take action to things and people who aren't benefiting your life and allowing you to reach a higher plateau. Mother, Father, Sister, Brother, Lover, Uncle, Friend, Everyone's growth is different and many times people just grow apart. That's life and reality is Harsh. DEAL WITH IT!!

Please don't stop the music!!!!! ...NO really!!!

what the fuck is really good with the summer 2008 club banger? I mean, do we actually have one? Does anybody care about having a song equivalent to a summer blockbuster movie? Does anyone actually watch TRL anymore? I cannot remember the last time i've actually watched that show...maybe circa 2003? I'm a big fan of VH1 soul, i think it's so refreshing to hear throwback quality R&B/pop music. The music you played in the background when you were talking on the phone to your first love (immature, the boys, mista, imajin, tracy spencer). Sorry i just had to vent because " Get me bodied" will and cannot be the anthem of 2008. Solange are you ready?

Kudos to michelle williams for her single " we break the dawn" also look out for her song " Stop this car" off her soon to be released r&b debut album. She might just save us all lol.

All my Life...

Well not all of it but, since I was in the first grade, when I had my first Jewish teacher of memory, I was told that it is Yiddish for pretty. They used to call me things like Shayna Maidel or Shayna Punim; pretty girl or pretty face, respectively. Needless to say, people that know Yiddish or have cousins with the same name, want to know why or if I am Jewish. I am not, but I have coerced the honorary title.

So, I am making up nicknames, explaining the significance of my name, how I am so worthy, whatever the case may be. This guy starts working at my job. He is Arabic. On his first day of work he asks me if I know what my name means. I am like, yea, of course.

It means ugly in Arabic.

My life is a lie and I am utterly devastated.

Fuel for the Furnace of Achievement

It's about exercising one's full potential before the spirit withers away, in atrophy. It is not stress in the manner which makes one wants to escape, rather the ache your body feels when it tells you its simply a tool that facilitates, from the minute, to the utmost of your ability. Simply because you told it to. Making strides and building is what this life is about, it is about a universal love that is honed in the one that is you. Ergo, it can never be worth it without one hundred per cent. If I am not aching from doing, I am not living. I love it. You should to.

YOU + ME+ THAT DAMN SIDEKICK!!!!

Isn't it crazy how nowadays communication doesn't consist of telephone conversations with the other person actually being on the other end of the line? Instead, we are committed to in-personal conversations on AIM, YAHOO, MSN, and emails. I'm not knocking this method of communication because i'm a HUGE sidekick junkie, however, i've noticed that even in relationships, communicating to your partner via AIM, YAHOO, etc isn't taboo but more so an acquired look. Some people believe this method of communication can be considered a threesome (you+me+that damn sidekick/blackberry) but in this day and time the only miscommunication is no communication at all. So applause to all of those individuals who still believe in those 3 hour phone conversations talking about everything and nothing in total sum until you fall asleep!!(who actually has time to do this in 2008...especially if you live in NEW YORK) However, please don't knock the technological advancement of modern day society providing an alternative route towards love and effective communication. You can be a brand...but don't knock the TREND!!

Introducing

I was first introduced to Usher Raymond in the summer of 1993. My cousins and I were on our annual summer trip to St. Maarten (N.A.) where we spend two weeks in the beginning of August in a time share our grandmother's owned. This is before it was really popping like it is today.

We had a couple of cable channels we would be able to watch. This was usually in the morning/ before noon before we were able to get permission to go to the pool, where we spent the majority of our days. BET was one of the channels. Usher was instantly popular amongst my peer female cousins because he was the first pop singer we could identify with, as in, he is so cute, he is going to be so and so's boyfriend. This is not to say he was the first but we were actively witnessing the genesis of his career. It was exciting. Telling by our reactions to him, he is definitely accurate in dubbing himself, the Mack. Please enjoy fresh faced Usher and early 90's videos.

Looking at My Roley- It's About That Time...

I just finished devouring a mango...I think you are feeling where I am going (pause if you like but the kids'll understand)

Sad in the Pants or whatever, it has nothing to do with my face. It does, but I am going to act like it does not. I have been contemplating my sexless present and my track record. I have concluded that it is about time to dip back into the pool (no pun but, oh so clever). I love a great dicking do not get me wrong and I am not saying that I hate men and I am going to start parlaying with the fairer sex. Rather, from time to time I feel as if my rapport with men has been lacking and I am just not feeling my gender role in the rat race that is the dating game. Coupled with my fear of commitment, I need to do what I can to stave off cobwebs without having meaningless sex that I have to drown in alcohol, as a means to buttress my self-esteem.

So, I think I might find myself in a dyke bar soon...looking for pretty women with banging bodies to buy drinks and kiss up on...maybe I'll have more mangoes while I am at it.

Fuck it, why not.

Viva La White Girl...

COCAINE is everywhere... I do not know how I feel about it exactly. Whether I am utterly disgusted by the allowance of blatant reference to such a powerful and potentially detrimental drug; or extremely amused by the re-emergence of the mainstream marrying the not-so-underground society of drug acknowledgment/ usage. (read:I am not trying to 'out' anybody)

It's like the '80's- everybody does drugs. If they do not do it on a regular basis, they have tried it, or not really opposed to it. UNLESS... they are extremely drug retarded and refuse to do anything besides take Ny/DayQuil for their sickness symptoms.

Weezy chimes in on his take on Cocaine. Between me and you (no Cassie), I think he makes a pretty great point sans the last sentence, unless the gorilla/ hobbit hybrid is your thing... by all means, lick the rapper- for the gummy.

"I don't do too many (drugs). I just smoke weed and drink. But I'll never f**k with no more coke. It's not about the bad high; it's just about the acne: Cocaine makes your face break out. I'm a pretty boy."

It is always fun when drugs are unappealing for reasons other than the social stigma that goes with the consumption of narcotics. It is personalized and its honest. I raise my glass.

One of my favourite songs of the moment, remix included, is N.E.R.D.'s "Everyone Nose". I mean the title speaks for itself. It is about the coke head party girls that are under the influence that they are being discreet, as the wait on line and enter stalls two and three at a time, never squat, and flush the toilet for good measure.



Here is the Video for the original...



And if you see someone with symptoms of this new/old phenomena...Throw them a towel...its been a long night.

Friends...how many of us have them...

I am always interested in the relationship between friendships and enterprising support. Not many friends want to do their actual part in the initial jump-off, whether you have a blog and you need them to read it on the daily, if you are a performer and you need them to come out and pay money for your show, if you sell wares and you need people to support your crafts, etc., it is not going to happen if you rely solely on your friends. It happens all the time, to a lot of people, I am not going to say I am only on one side of the fence. Like TreZure the Empress (www.myspace.com/trezuretheempress) says, I am not looking for friends to support me; I am looking to fans. When people genuinely see where you are coming from, without the ties of familiarity, they will support you based on their relationship to your genius. It is just the nature of the game.

No one knows whether or not their wings are going to carry them until they have already jumped out of the nest. Then it is Fly or Die, as N.E.R.D. so eloquently put it (btw sooo excited for Seeing Sounds, their third album).

I go for what I know and keep it like that...rewards will follow.

So, even if I am my own known audience right now, I make it work and keep dropping these posts like they are hot.

Sad in the Pants Pt. I

Big ups to my homey for coining such a poignant phrase.

Were you asking...yes, I am sad in the pants. Its been a while since I have let anyone touch more than my back and that is for an acquaintance's embrace. That is why I decided to include this picture. It was made with wanton intentions. You will see a hand, inside the hamsa, holding a bra strap, the focus is on the breast. This leads into the Star of David resting slightly beneath the bottom lip, framing the clavicle. Each portion of the image screams sexual innuendo by sensuality. I made it so I know.

(pan back to me)...I am not even pressed for sex and probably could not jump right into sex anyway (I take necessary precautions-too much information to share) but I have reached the crossroads in my involuntary chastity. Am I really bothered by my lack of sexual intercourse or am I backhandedly congratulating myself for not having dropped trou in a minute? I can not tell, I am going through something unusual. I desire sex but I do not really feel like I need to actually have sex. If that makes any sense. My pussy would like a companion but she is an only child so she knows how to be by herself for an extended period of time. My pants- I think they are sad because the only time they get play is in the bathroom.

sigh, I think I miss the endorphins.

A How To...

I got awesome on Friday!

After work I met with a dear friend. We met at Stan's Place, a restaurant with New Orleans style cuisine and ambience, very nice and quaint. The food is so delicious, I recommend the salmon burger, it comes on an English muffin, so delightful! The address is 411 Atlantic Avenue, between Nevins and Bond streets, in Brooklyn.

Anyway, we are single and need to know we are not the only ones in the world that see that dating may not be a viable option right now. That now is the time to perfect our respective hustles and stacking chips like the responsible young women we are. Besides, no one is looking to be saved and I am not trying to struggle, if I have you dough, you have dough and then we can build together. I firmly believe in coming to the table, in any circumstance, with something tangible as to be recognized as an equal. HOWEVER, you still have to pay for my meal though, after all I am a lady.

So, we are discussing our gripes and ignorance as to what allows the men we encounter to be irrational and ridiculous. They are insecure and I have no time to tell someone that if they would have just stepped correct, I could have pulled my panties, to the left, to the left. But, because they want to go act crazy I am forced to be chaste. We get on the topic of Jewish men and how they love them some black women, not to marry, but to date and or patronize (read: prostitutes); because they will date your black ass for years and then go to Israel to get married (generally speaking).

Fast forward, it is 3:30 in the morning, I, along with some friends, migrate from this party to a bar nearby. I am assuming it was close by because I was crunk and time flies. Not to mention I made a new friend at the party but could not tell if we were flirting or innocently making conversation, I am a mixed bag. Either way at the bar, after opting for a pint of Guinness as opposed to a chilled shot of Patron. La madrugada never calls for tequila. A mutual friend, Jewish male, approaches me. I wait and let him figure out how is going to approach this situation. He begins to explain that he finds me attractive and that he likes my haircut (it was not cut but I know a trick or two). He ventures further and states that he is attracted to women like myself (read: black)and then he fumbles over some other phrases. I decided I heard enough so I stopped listening.

Simply, I state, Let's make out. We did and it was cool.

For Your Information

Along with blogging I am posting my collages. Just to let you know where a majority of these images are coming from.

SELL OUT!!!

I do not mean it in a derogatory way. This life should be about reason, comfort, and happiness, not necessarily in that order but reason is always first and foremost. The best things in life are free, but money, handled properly, lightens the load. Church. So, congratulations to Santogold for her Bud Light spot. The song is Creator, which can be found on her self-titled solo album in stores NOW!!!!

Make it Rain

Heaven Only Knows...

Conversations Sane People Have in an Insane World, Volume1

Love, Life, and Decisions:



Is it best to know that you can not be with someone, (in a relationship, intimate, etc.) from the onset, or to know you can never be with someone again? The sentence may sound like it echoes itself, but in fact there are two distinct points. I chose John Legend's Heaven as the first song because it best describes how one feels after a single argument, years of pining, or, years of separation. The song is the freshness of a slow painful wound refusing to heal as time promised.

To know that someone is not right, or to know there are so many obstacles to overcome before love can manifest in the way it should, it becomes difficult to make rational decisions. Reason is overcome by emotional curiosity,or drama. Some times, at times, no means yes, rather we would like it to be Opposites Day when we feel like it. The unattainable is a challenge as opposed to a wise limitation. Heeding advice does not satiate the hunger that eventually kills cats, rather there will always be a shadow lurking, proposing, and projecting an alternate reality. Is it healthy to live with that for the rest of one's life? The one that got away before anything could have possibly occurred. My opinion is yes, no matter how many alternate realities, it is a fantasy from which we can escape the misery we create. I say create because although one can not control every situation around them, it is your disposition and goals that allow you to make the best of a shitty situation.

On the other hand, the real torture is that which slowly manifests itself as you mature. Maturation is not as directly related to age as we may project it to be, it has to do with our acceptance of life as the ultimate reality. In this sense, one must accept that the circumstances that occur are a pattern from which we must learn, honestly, as opposed to scapegoating and being ignorant to the ways in which we mitigate our life's occurrences. It is heart-breaking to realize that there is a person, and/or persons, with whom we have reached an end, no matter how much we yearn for the past to be the future. From this point, accepting the grief and the heavy gaping holes in our hearts for the rest of our lives, we begin to mature. To accept that in this life, the one person capable of being wholly loved by your haphazard heart is the person from whom you are the furthest with no possible way to sync your lives back up.

Only time can tell, but the familiarity is that of an old memory in a specific place. You are transformed to a pluperfect past bringing on tactile, aural, and/or olfactory memories, so real they could occur in the present, but they are not. The experience of having a tangible past ages one's emotions. The what if's versus the what happened. I struggle with getting over but not getting pass. Conflicted over the fact that the people I remember do not exist in that same capacity because of the given variable of time.

In any case the answer is to keep moving in a positive direction and take the effort to learn. Life is hard but love is harder. Both are more than worth it when executed with care and responsibility.