Sad in the Pants II (Sutures)

I wish there was a way to be normal in a situation where only extremities are experienced. 'Easier said than done' is not even the half. My mental preparation undoes itself like an intricate knot, pulled at the sight of you. Leaving me with the anticipation of an interaction on the precipice of the event horizon hurling towards singularity. My intentions can not escape and all I can do is maintain my position in spaces relative to this variable unknown, to be described loosely as my love for this sordid force of nature beyond my comprehension. Within the parameters of rationale, so much time has passed, so many relationships have come and gone, there is no reason for the tension to be so caloric as to leave me full for days, exercising my mind to break even. It does not make sense. The force is so strong I can not tell if it is I who rejects the advances of a possible small chat or if I lose my courage to do so from the force with which I tangle.

It takes a long time to get over being pulverized emotionally in a public display of feigned privacy. To never think but to then accept as the truest reality that the same love that made me laugh made me cry- as my castigation (shout to Bill Withers).
I am chilling now, but I still can not seem to figure out how to stabilize a situation I am unfamiliar with and will I be ready to move forward without getting caught in the black hole of my unchartered emotions. It has been so long, I wonder if it has been too long and whether it is my job to go out on a limb, with no direction and nothing but a nasty scar across memories of my life. But what could have been the small hint of something with potential lost inside a cloud of dust and storms? Where is the source of the feeling of unfinished business keloiding over battle wounds? How am I to know they are reciprocal and I am not at the point of singularity, stuck at nothing. There is no way of telling but I am not sure if I want to find out. This love hurts enough already, every time it is revisited, even as a minute prospect in my mind.