Mulling it Over: DipliMatters of the Heart

My valentine, a middle school frenemy turned adult friend, is not coming to the east coast as she expected so we can not do brunch and an exhibition as was planned.

Sidebar: http://www.kunstverein.us/next.html, I overheard two people … transfers the aural experience of the telephone into a variety of sensorial media, including a participatory kite flying performance on February 14th to open the exhibition, and in homage to Elisha Gray, or history’s “second best”; and On March 18th, the artists’ partners will commemorate Bell and Watson’s relationship with a reading of the first telephone transcript between the inventors.

Needless to say, platonic valentines are all I know. It is funny how people that (ex)claim to hate Valentine's Day always want something to do with someone, as if we are shaking our fists at the cosmos that have sentenced us to celibacy (the actual use of the word means to be single, I am leaving intimacy out of it). I am not including myself, but I would not count me out either. All to prove that this manufactured commercial holiday can not keep everyone in a parenthetical relationship or, as they are more commonly known, situation, from wanting to be official, cue Cassie, even if for a second, when that first heart appears in the Duane Reade the day after New Year's. For the most part, the need for validation signals insecurity. This will be one of the two or three times a year I allow myself to question whether or not my lack of desire for a relationship, that warrants attention on designated days, is the way I should be going if I am going to be someone's wife and have their children, one day, some day, maybe, ...next lifetime? I need a sign to know that I am not enabling irrevocable damage to my emotional growth and security because I am finding discomfort in sharing and vulnerability.

Now that that moment is over. I can safely say that I wish the best in love and life to everyone, single, attached, those that did not know they were single and those that did not know they were atttached, I will remain unfettered and let what was written unveil itself and I will fill in the rest.

At the end of the day you are either on some:


or



For the happy single person (namely, me):



Good luck with everything!

Sometimes....

Macro vs. Micro. What is really important and what is not and when is it important to classify such abstract notions? Never a simple question but the answer does not have to be complicated. As I try to navigate and reassure and try to rely on my movements and my synergy with my innate energies, I wonder if I am listening to the right self.

The Haunting

I was recently listening to "Shadows" by Gordon Voidwell. 

I have been thinking about abrupt shift in the continental plates of comfort that take place no matter how much of a control freak I can be. What is my problem? How am I setting myself back? What skeletons are rattling so close to the closet door that I can't move without disturbing them? What is the comfort in sabotage and failure? And why do I want to know the future so fucking badly? Why don't I trust my intution?

Who do I love and how do I do so? Am I even capable? I am starting to realize that, not only do I not know, I am completely unsure. As sure as the imminent next step. I walk in stride and trust that the ground will be beneath me. 

Nuggets

Unravelled patterns

Leave me naked

I narrowly escape

Innocence

The lessons are hard to find

I just wanted 

To be 

Right

Broken Feelings

The rope I have been holding 

is Threadbare.

Masochism

I believe in torture and torment concerning bouts of true love with otherwise rational entities. Perhaps, I have read too much Ayn Rand, or have been touched by fantastically sordid love stories. There is no real happy ending, or there was so so much to get there, it is much deserved. In any case- everything lacks simplicity (almost- enough for it to be kind of true, to me) so it becomes about tolerance and composure. With that, and simplified thinking, I think I might be alright. Mistakes don't wait, so I do. I know myself, so I know my personal expectations and capacities,  I tread lightly about my erratic emotional insecurities because, ultimately, I know what the truth is. 

Masochism, romanticism... I know that its hard but, I am sure that it's worth it. 

One way or another. 

Conservation of Energy

I believe in going green but that is not the energy of which I am referencing. As I am maturing and adjusting to the bullshit tactics and growing pains that come with my inheritance of life, I find that I can handle things easier when I am able to prioritize my energy. If there is work to be done, it does not matter who assigns it, or how fucked up everything else is. If I can produce what I need to do according to my standards as they comply with the general practices of the rational and sane, I will continue to succeed.

Energies

Recently, I was thinking about the word please.

The verb and the request...for mercy...for a favour

When used infrequently it becomes foreign 

and its function 

and meaning becomes a question

Did I remember it the right way?

Please stop-

Please don't stop

Please love me the way I love you

Please let me be right 

Please don't make me say it

...I am pleased.

Come Into Knowledge

I love Pandora for what it can do in terms of introducing me to amazing songs and artists to which I would not have that exposure. However, sometimes, that it can be way off and I have no idea how it even found songs that I would like in the first place. Either way, I was listening to either my Norman Connors, Isaac Hayes, or Funk radio station and I heard the song 'Daylight' by this group named RAMP. It was the song whose guitar loop was sampled in A Tribe Called Quest's, 'Bonita Applebum'. The song is featured on their only album, Come into Knowledge, released in 1977. Quite honestly, it is a masterpiece of a unique magnitude. Each song is a complete entity and serves and completes the purpose of its message. The song topics volley between self-empowerment and love, essentially typical of this era in black music. I implore you to research and take a listen. 

Enough About You

I have been doing a lot of looking at society and interpreting people through my eyes and perspective. Which is not a problem because what I do believe is true- most everyone is off-kilter in one way or another, it is just about how you can filter and adjust. Unfortunately, life's ills make it difficult for most do so.  I suffer because I am trying too hard to understand why I am not getting the responses that make the most sense to me. And, I would like to consider myself a rolling ball of sanity, (c) Chidi Asoluka; my logic and motivations are of my own creation and constitute my personal integrity. 

Unwavering, I have to have enough confidence in my personal construction to not be concerned with that which I can not coalesce. It makes it easer when the bullshit filters itself. 

I could not have it any other way. 

Imaginary Relationships

... what exists in the negative space.

negative space: n, empty space, space surrounding an object or form.

It is what provides context and dimension for the positive image or form. I will be using it in reference to relationships, and that which is not mentioned but becomes implicit, and how that lack of communication becomes problematic.

It is all imaginary until spoken about. 

Needless to say, I have millions of examples of people taking a mile from the precisely measured inch I have given.

And I just want to know why, when people have plans for me, they do not share them. It would make my existence less confusing. The issue is, at least in my personal hetero experience, I meet men, we express a genuine interest and then I am supposed to forget that there at least 3 billion more out here. I do not do stage directions, I do directives. I seek to observe, analyze, understand and communicate, that's how relationships work. Not this, oh well  I am just going to skip these steps and act like we have an understanding that they have a certain precedent, when none of it was spoken about at all. And I am not taking one circumstance and making it general to hype myself up. Trust. 

I usually opt with the gradient of difficult to dumb and see how much I can get away with. 

Until, I just have to put my foot down. I get feigned surprise and a lot of "Nah, its not like that". Because its usually men acting like its not about sex instead of being upfront. But, saying the word-sex/fuck/smash/beat-preceded by "if you're just trying to" and succeeded by "just say that" is like shedding a light when everyone wants to act like they are not doing/seeking what they actually are doing/seeking. Its stupid and causes headache. Keep it 100, you'd be better off when trying to find a proper match. Everyone is out here sending their representatives confusing people that have no time to waste on superficial representation of reality. Fuck off. 

And that, my friends, is where imaginary relationships come from.

Really.

What ever happened to straight up answers?

I think I missed when ambiguity and interpretations are how people communicate. Is it more comforting to walk away from a situtation, after consciously seeking clarity, still not knowing what the fuck the resolution was?

I ALSO missed when, if I say no that means you are going to agree and then act like I parenthetically said yes, and vice versa. 

Most importantly, I wonder how people feign for real interactions when their whole life is a hidden agenda. 

Just some things that have been making my life difficult. If you can not relate to this then... it is of you I speak.

I ain't worried 'bout y'all cuz I'm already me!

"If you want my advice...you've made a mistake already. By asking me. By asking anyone. Never ask people. Not about your work. Don't you know what you want? How can you stand it, not to know?"

Not to be preachy, because I do not specialize in telling other people what to do, I tell them where to go, but I think this is an important tidbit to share. 

No man is an island, and all that (I picked that up from my horticulturalist), but there are certain things that do not need consultation. In this individualist/ capitalist culture it is very off-putting that others peoples feelings should be considered in order for one to feel validated in their place in this life. It is a threat to actually not give a fuck about other people's feelings, in regards to your natural progression. Especially when you were blessed with conviction and knowledge. I am saying all of this in the scope of rationale and logic, of course. 

Being the space cadet/ overthinking enthusiast I am, I constantly zoom out to the vast mystery of the Universe and realize that in the grander scheme of things, my drive and happiness is the onliest thing thats going to make the uncertainty of my miniscule existence worth it. It gets hectic down here, and it is easy to lose sight, steam and esteem. People are great sounding boards but even still, to question your decisions reveals you have no direction and are selfless. How can you not know your self?

I have been thinking....

Apparently for a really long time. 

With the hype that has been surrounding the long awaited sequel to Raekwon the Chef's, Only Built 4 Cuban Linx... I have been confused as to what Hip Hop purists have been complaining about. 

Last night I was conversing with my brother, biblicallynice.blogspot.com, about what it is that is making everyone say that this was/is a 'good look' for hip hop. Do not misunderstand what I am saying, the album is a solid effort and without sounding retro, it brought me back to a place I forgot. The hard, gritty sounds of people that are hungry and dedicated, who lead real lives before/ throughout their entry to the 'game' and have things to discuss. Delicately balancing the ill's of their behaviours, environs, and circumstances with the fact that they still must do what they have to do to survive. That being... selling crack. I mean the nigga's name is the Chef. Is it this ephemeral past we are holding on to, that has us thinking that, as long as the artist is not lying about the amount of money they have and their level in the drug dealing hierarchy, or the fact that they were actually middle-class but, in order to sell they must fabricate the realities of the impoverished that rhyming about selling crack and the projects is a step in the right direction for us?

Pyrex visions, birds flying south, bricks, kilos, cubans, columbians, crackheads... It's all the same. 

Yea, I still own that shit, though; don't get it twisted. 

Get Your Mouth Away from My DICK

* no comment

TreZure the Empress

http://www.thisisrealmusic.com/articles/40509/trezure_the_empress.php

I have been thinking//formulating

As of late, I have been exposed to relationships that exist and function outside the realms of the average. This is not a description of dysfunction as much as it is a nod to the observation that relationships, of any type, are tailor-made and should be a personal fit to the individuals that are compatible enough to work as a unit.

With that being said, I have been drawing conclusions about dating, courtship and commitment. In the never ending occupation of examining my life and decisions in a timely manner, these are what I know to suit where I am now. According to my close friend, last night, the idea I am about to propose is something that does not normally exist and is of a futuristic, sophisticated nature. I do not agree. However, I think the only time sexual relationships are honest is when they are of an illicit nature, involving cheating. Because the preoccupation of at least one of the parties in a committed relationship, these circumstances facilitate open and clear discourse about the nature and progression, or lack thereof. I think this honesty should exist in relationships that are not illicit. I do think it is of interest to have a close, sexual relationship, meaning one in which the state of each's emotions and expectations are laid out in the beginning and revisited as necessary. This does not necessarily mean, full disclosure, in fact it does not mean that or becoming best friends. It only allows for each person to maintain the individual goals in the other aspects of their respective lives while sharing their bed and some of their time with a partner. In any case, I think this would prevent a lot of feelings from getting hurt due to the initial standards and conduct, allowing for the progression of intimacy or clean dissolution. Doing or not doing something to not hurt the other party does nothing but create a stifling discomfort and suffering on both parts. Keep it real with yourself and you can keep it real with your sexual partner/ girlfriend/ boyfriend/ best friend/ whatever.

Due to the external pressure and standards, of being single, married, and child-bearing and feeling a certain way if you see that you are not reaching the deadline you set at 16 or even 21, I think a lot of people fall into a trap of insecurity which uses the association of a relationship as a indicator of well-rounded success. Too many unnecessary compromises are made, comfort is sacrificed and we are swept up in a tidal of frantic decision making. I am a big fan of moving slowly, if both parties are working on their adulthood and have a mutual respect for each other to communicate about placement and priorities.

I know this is possible. It is a clean and rational way to deal with the interpersonal intimacy of physical relationships, with people that you are not just trying to fuck, of course. That is a different story altogether. And above all else, do not settle for just fucking someone you have feelings for just to maintain intimacy.

This requires that all personal motives and feelings be fully addressed and resolved before involving another person in your fuckery.

Eat up.

ABUNDANCE

I recently went to visit my brother on the West Coast. He told me about the second album by PPP (formerly Platinum Pied Pipers, titled, Abundance.

To make a long story short, PPP comprises of two producers, and the featured albums has their tracks, cohesively, and and ensemble set of singers to be found throughout the album. Coultrain, Karma Stewart, and Jamila Reagan, with one song with Neco Redd on vocals. A dance party that encompasses American black music, so not just one of the default genres, but a natural progression of music, using basic structural ideas appropriated to create a fresh sound without seemingly trying. I would also like to note that the lyrical content, as it is hard to hear and understand every word, due to the layered vocal arrangements, is of an intelligent quality. The ideas of love and relationships, the good and bad, and personal motivation, are present throughout the album but new language adds a much needed dimension to the rigmarole.

I enjoy it.

"Triple P, the debut from the then-Platinum Pied Pipers (now just PPP), was a deserved recipient of glowing reviews and dropped jaws throughout independent music media. Refining if not revolutionizing modern soul, Triple P announced a new player in 2005. In 2009 the player is established and Abundance announces a new game.

There is something inherently carefree about this album. It’s unfortunate to realise, but what sets Abundance apart from so many modern releases is that it is obviously the result of a deep musical passion and a delight in musical experimentation. Wajeed and Saadiq stick to the decidedly Detroit formula of big drums and dirty synths, but manage to give the motor city’s model a new chassis to handle the now even stronger bumps. Alongside the rejuvenated production is PPP’s refined vocal lineup: Previously a mash up of all Detroit had to offer, the vocal responsibilities now lie with the smoky tones of Coultrain, the soul of Karma Stewart and the sugar of Jamila Raegan. With the smaller cast, Abundance is as cohesive as any producer-based album could hope to be.

Abundance breaks the boundaries of R&B and is far too much fun to be labeled neo-soul. Sitting happily in it’s own genre, Abundance is an album many will be compared to in years to come."

source

I get up Early

This is TreZure the Empress performing at Public Assembly for Forever Fresh 5.

Right now, live, this is my favourite part of her set because she is speaking to women like me. Caught up in the individual vs. subscription to partnership, sweet and mean as I ever wanted to be.

Going from looking for someone to hold my right side, in the morning, because I work hard and I love crazy to establishing that...

My man don't need no sugar in his coffee. He likes me mean.
He needs his mean old black woman.

And when I am good and ready, I will need him too.

Fat, Black and Ugly as ever, however

He stayed Coogi down to the socks...
and I am not sure if this is still too soon, but I will always feel it's time to get paid, blow up like the (see above).

Anyway, when I heard Biggie was killed, I was in church. At this time, I was in seventh grade, we did not listen to secular music in the morning, my mother was not having it. Since the shooting occurred in la madrugada it was very easy to not hear about immediately. My peers in my church class, as we were divided by age groups, were talking about his death, and of course linking it with TuPac, the whole time we were in Sunday class, and not doing a Bible role play. I merely wrote them off as being misinformed, because EVERYONE else was wrong. Exactly. At the end of church, on the way home, we were allowed to listen to the radio station we preferred which was Hot 97, where we found out that what I had been hearing that day was in fact true. Biggie was shot and DOA in Los Angeles, California.
Damn.
The fucked up thing about that was, Mo' Money, Mo' Problems was the single after, Hypnotize. Diddy, in his verse on Mo' Money states mess around with DOA be on your way. Right?

I was hurt. I think I am still hurt. I remember one time Biggie stopped by HOT 97 on his way back to New Jersey and shouted out Faith, Chyna and CJ, saying he had to get medicine for Chyna because she was sick. I also remember hearing him talk about his next album, Life After Death, and how he was not in the same frame of mind as Ready to Die, he actually wanted to live and this album would show his life on the other side. He was saying that the album was almost finished how excited he and focused he was. I remember it like it was not TWELVE YEARS ago.

To this day he is the only rapper, and one of the few musical artists to put out a classic double album.

For the nicest MC, niggas know the steelo

Rule Number 7

Money and blood don't mix like two dicks and no bitch, find yourself in serious shit.

It is important to establish the rules and parameters in any relationship. What can be seen as weakness and naivete could easily be a quarry of ruthless demeanor and cut throat attitude, especially when the more outwardly astute uses this misinformation as a tool of manipulation or, simply, bullyfooting. What can be seen as a friendly meeting with no documentation can turn into you be being pushed out with no evidence of your participation and relevance. In turn, not only losing what you firmly believed in, but potentially damaging a long standing relationship with people you thought you knew. Only to realize they never respected you enough to take you seriously.

Without a tight infrastructure and delegation of responsibility, consider personal and business relationships null and void. No parameters, means no code of conduct, meaning everybody is wrong and no one is right, but someone will always win.


See: Ten Crack Commandments