Static

I have realized that I may have a high level of testosterone for a female. Not in any way that reflects itself in my phenotype or my actual biology, rather I am more aggressively inclined in most interpersonal interactions. My problem with this is; juggling finding the balance between my fragile ego, overcompensating masculinity and the femininity I possess but do not deem fit to participate in these preposterous gender roles. The result: I do not take men seriously; if they do not fit into my life appropriately, it is time to let them go, I have already spent this much of my life without them; I can always be a godmother and spoil my friends'/ relatives' children, while maintaining my disposable income as a jet-setting persona.

In all, if any, that is left between the lines, I must deal with the consequences of my philandering attitude towards intimate, interpersonal relations. That is to say, if I am not ready for a relationship but I meet someone I am really attracted to, am I to blame them for being hesitant for whatever reason, that may have nothing to do with me? if I bore easily, does the absence that irritates me, yet makes my heart grow fonder, worth my initial disdain? In desiring to be the 'woman' to a 'man', given I have not been in a real relationship, what am I looking for, and what will I/ can I compromise? At this point, a relationship is an ideal that exists when I am bored with asexuality and I am tired of being turned off. Short of throwing a potato sack over my head and carrying me to the altar, what can a man offer me to surrender my prized vulnerability?

The answer: nothing.

And, I am left with a bunch of diagnoses and no prescription.